Monday, September 19, 2011

Yes, I Am An Artist


2012
Senior Class President 1992
~ 20 year class reunion coming up ~
Time to gather a planning group . . .

So this weekend, I look at my junior high & high school scrapbook...
"Class Artist" award,
has a little cut-out that says
"Yes I am an artist."
I didn't set out to be an artist-even a year ago,
but here I am.
Who would've thought???
Yes, I am indeed an artist.



In fact, in that embarrassingly huge scrapbook of report cards, clubs, activites and yada-yada-yada attempts of trying to prove myself...
"yes I am an artist"
is probably the truest thing
about who I was then
in that book
{even if I didn't acknowledge or fully embrace it}.
All those other things I kept in that scrapbook
were like something I was grasping for
to make me be "enough".
Yet I never felt "enough".

Twenty years ago,
what I really wanted for a class award was
"Most Likely to Succeed"
which went to my friend Brooke.
But it seems my classmates may have seen
the real me
when I did not want to look at me.

Really "Class Artist"
was much more true to me than "Senior Class President".
Senior Class President was a title
I sought to feed insecurity and pride
because, really, seeing my name at the top of a list,
somehow seemed like it would make me valid and secure.
Would prove that I had value.
But that title didn't give me value.
I am more embarrassed about that title now . . .
because I know why I wanted it.
Yet, I own that part of my life.
Because it was part of my journey
to today.
And I made it through all of that.



It has taken me 20 years to own it.
But then it has also
taken me 20 years to stop trying to prove myself
to others,
but mostly
to
myself.
And 20 years
to embrace
the authenticity of me.
And 20 years
to develop a passion
for a message to share.
And 20 years
to artistically express
something that is authentic
rather than what I think
will prove my worth.
And 20 years to know
I am
secure and valid as a person
because of my Savior
Jesus Christ
who took care of all of my
insecurities and ugly thoughts & actions
once and for all.
And 20 years to continue
learning
and
growing
in
faith
and
truth,
and to be able to admit
I do not have it all together,
and be ok with that
because I never will.
After 20 years,
I can be an artist
because
I know what I believe,
and I'm ready to walk in it
one step at a time,
knowing I will stumble and fall,
yet knowing I can get back up again,
in faith rather than fear,
in truth rather than masks . . .
After 20 years,
I am no longer mostly motivated by
fear and doubt and insecurity
but I am primarily motivated
and make decisions
by faith and belief and security...
in Someone far greater than myself
who gives me strength and courage for all things.

~Soli Deo Gloria~
Finding Heaven


6 comments:

  1. Beautifully said. You have given me much to ponder here...I have said it before...WOW, we are so similar in so many ways.

    I know that's why your art speaks to my heart!

    ReplyDelete
  2. HAPPY ARTIST TO YOU! I love being an artist, saying I'm an artist and hearing my loved ones speak of me as an artist. Great blog you have here!

    Lisa D.
    artingwithlisa.blogspot.com
    Not sure why...wont let me sign in under my name???

    ReplyDelete
  3. I love this: that fear, doubt and insecurity has given way to faith, belief and security: through the only ONE who can offer it all.

    ReplyDelete
  4. What amazing growth in your soul through these years, Jodi. And how amazing that your friends saw straight through to your heart and soul -- the one He created so beautifully.

    And I can honestly say that most days, I walk in this way with you:
    I am no longer mostly motivated by
    fear and doubt and insecurity
    but I am primarily motivated
    and make decisions
    by faith and belief and security...
    in Someone far greater than myself
    who gives me strength and courage for all things.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Somehow when we are young, we see ourselves as more of we are fully suppossed to be. We aren't trapped in all of the can'ts and what-if's.

    I struggle the same way with writing. I struggle to own it, to put it out there to say this is me, this is who I am.

    Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if we all just owned our passions...

    ReplyDelete
  6. I never sought those "pride-positions" because I didn't think I could manage them. I undervalued myself and my skills and remained invisible and "nobody". And I kind of still do that, 20-30 years later, even though God has tried to teach me otherwise.

    ReplyDelete

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