Yes, I Am An Artist

2012

Senior Class President 1992

~ 20 year class reunion coming up ~

Time to gather a planning group . . .

So this weekend, I look at my junior high & high school scrapbook...

"Class Artist" award,

has a little cut-out that says

"Yes I am an artist."

I didn't set out to be an artist-even a year ago,

but here I am.

Who would've thought???

Yes, I am indeed an artist.

In fact, in that embarrassingly huge scrapbook of report cards, clubs, activites and yada-yada-yada attempts of trying to prove myself...

"yes I am an artist"

is probably the truest thing

about who I was then

in that book

{even if I didn't acknowledge or fully embrace it}.

All those other things I kept in that scrapbook

were like something I was grasping for

to make me be "enough".

Yet I never felt "enough".

Twenty years ago,

what I really wanted for a class award was

"Most Likely to Succeed"

which went to my friend Brooke.

But it seems my classmates may have seen

the real me

when I did not want to look at me.

Really "Class Artist"

was much more true to me than "Senior Class President".

Senior Class President was a title

I sought to feed insecurity and pride

because, really, seeing my name at the top of a list,

somehow seemed like it would make me valid and secure.

Would prove that I had value.

But that title didn't give me value.

I am more embarrassed about that title now . . .

because I know why I wanted it.

Yet, I own that part of my life.

Because it was part of my journey

to today.

And I made it through all of that.

It has taken me 20 years to own it.

But then it has also

taken me 20 years to stop trying to prove myself

to others,

but mostly

to

myself.

And 20 years

to embrace

the authenticity of me.

And 20 years

to develop a passion

for a message to share.

And 20 years

to artistically express

something that is authentic

rather than what I think

will prove my worth.

And 20 years to know

I am

secure and valid as a person

because of my Savior

Jesus Christ

who took care of all of my

insecurities and ugly thoughts & actions

once and for all.

And 20 years to continue

learning

and

growing

in

faith

and

truth,

and to be able to admit

I do not have it all together,

and be ok with that

because I never will.

After 20 years,

I can be an artist

because

I know what I believe,

and I'm ready to walk in it

one step at a time,

knowing I will stumble and fall,

yet knowing I can get back up again,

in faith rather than fear,

in truth rather than masks . . .

After 20 years,

I am no longer mostly motivated by

fear and doubt and insecurity

but I am primarily motivated

and make decisions

by faith and belief and security...

in Someone far greater than myself

who gives me strength and courage for all things.

~Soli Deo Gloria~