Digging Deeper Into The Pain

So last week,

I was feeling pretty great that I had gone 10 days

migraine free,

pain med free.

I'm still 19 days prescription pain med free.

But I had a headache 

Wednesday

and now

today,

pain.

However,

even though I have frustration,

I am at peace for the moment.

I am just curious

about why I hurt.

I am wondering what the message of the pain is today.

I'll be seeing both a chiropractor and physical therapist later today.

I am trying to give myself grace.

To do this "self-care" thing

imperfectly.

It is leading me to things.

Good things.

Taking care of my diet and getting exercise 

have overall benefits

for

my

life.

I am motivated

to do that

now,

even

if I still get the pain.

So I eat greens, greens, greens.

Three times a day:

spinach,

Romaine,

iceberg lettuce,

watercress,

whatever greens I have.

I have my B's:

B12, B6, Riboflavin, Thiamin, Niacin.

Superfoods.

Water.

Peppermint oil.

EFT ~ tapping.

Praying. 

I am trying to keep my mind and spirit

at a healthy pace.

This is hard.

But I am working on it

imperfectly.

I acknowledge all of it

in my writing and creating,

trying to lean into it, listen to it, learn from it

rather than rage against it

or numb it.

I am gently seeking

in the Bible,

looking at the birds,

and kindly

putting together creative opportunities

for others to join me

in the fruit

of this journey.

Not doing art,

not sharing and teaching also,

is just as stressful to me

as doing it at 

a frantic, pressured pace.

So I am putting one foot in front of the other,

carefully, kindly, tenderly.

Learning, sharing, preparing to teach again.

Some days are good.

I feel good and hopeful.

Other days are discouraging, painful, frustrating.

But that is the nature of life.

And today I am ok with that.

Digging deeper into my heart and mind,

beyond the physical

into emotional and spiritual

looking for clues in all of it,

that show me

how to be well,

live well,

work well,

love well.

Backwards Progress

This is Part 2 of dealing with migraines.

Part 1 is here: Backwards Steps 

I'm walking.

I'm taking steps.

Forwards and backwards.

The backwards steps are to strengthen muscles

to hold my spine in place

in various places,

in particularly, my foundation... my bum

and to strengthen myself into better health.

Taking steps.

Literally.

Figuratively.

Physical steps.

Mental processes.

Prayer. Even imperfect, messy prayer.

Thoughts.

Actions.

Letting go steps.

Taking new ground steps.

Slowing down some things.

Accelerating others.

I am accepting.

Accepting that I do get migraines.

Accepting that they have robbed joyful moments.

Accepting the anger that has surfaced with that.

Accepting limitations.

Accepting possibilities too.

Accepting that more tea and less coffee is better for me.

Accepting that I cannot keep up a certain pace.

Accepting that a slower pace does not mean poorer quality, but could mean better.

Accepting that there are times for good enough instead of excellence.

Accepting that excellence can begin with taking care of the little things

like my health,

or accepting that my health is a big thing

and not a

little

thing.

I am accepting myself.

Fully.  Deeply. With love.

Taking time to walk

forwards

and

backwards

means less time for other things.

I am learning to accept that this is ok.

I am learning 

to be kind and gentle

instead of harsh and critical 

toward

myself

in my thoughts

and also

in the

goals

and time frames

I choose.

If I continue to do

what I have always done,

I will continue to receive

the same things.

I have to do some things differently.

Hopefully,

this will be a path

to being headache free,

or at least,

rarely having them.

I am learning to listen

again

for the voice of God.

Speaking to me of

unforced rhythms of grace,

rest for my soul,

keeping pace with Jesus,

working with Him,

recovering my life.

I am seeking help.

Chiropractic.

Physical therapy.

Unique techniques for emotions and pain.

Nutritional.

Prayer.

Writing.

Changing pace and attitude.

From the inside out.

Whole person help.

Not just one part.

I am learning

to nourish my 

body, mind, soul, spirit.

I am learning that

self-nourishment

is humbling and human

not prideful and selfish.

I am learning that when I do not

nourish my whole self

with

rest,

good foods,

water,

nutrition,

fresh air,

walking,

and

kind

expectations

toward

myself,

my body screams at me to

STOP

with pain.

It is that starvation of

self from good nourishment

that steals the joy from

precious moments.

That stealing is through things like

pressure for perfection,

doing everything alone,

expecting myself to have all the answers,

forgetting who I am in Christ,

eating junk,

not walking,

working hours on end in a chair,

thinking harsh, pressure laden,

frantic, anxious, critical thoughts.

I had a moment this week

when I had this vision pass through my mind

of Jesus

taking me by the shoulders,

looking me square in the eye,

with love and understanding, but firmness,

and saying,

"Just stop it. Stop doing this to yourself.

I am not expecting what you are expecting of you."

Matthew 11:28-30 came to mind as I walked this week.

The phrasing in The Message.

28-30 “Are you tired? Worn out? 

Burned out on religion? 

Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. 

I’ll show you how to take a real rest. 

Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. 

Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. 

I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. 

Keep company with me 

and 

you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

See,

 I'm learning that God's rules

are life giving

not

life stealing.

He is not the thief.

He is the one who came to give 

me

and you

abundant

life.

I am learning that

taking care

of my human self

with things

like

nutrition

and

rest

and His Word

and

His pace

are

the path

to abundant life.

He WILL show me the path of LIFE.

In His presence is FULLNESS of JOY.

At His right hand are PLEASURES FOREVERMORE.

from Psalm 16:11

(my caps and paraphrase there)

Somehow,

there is this lie

I believe sometimes

that

exercise, nutrition, and God's way

steals my happiness, my joy.

But I am discovering

that

even just walking, 

not a power workout,

and

a variety of good, nutritious, flavorful, simple food,

not complicated fancy recipes,

and

even just chewing on a few 

rich

pieces

of God's word,

just one small bite at a time

not engulfing the whole thing and theology at once,

are

paths of

abundant

joy

and

pleasure.

And I can do it

one gentle

step at a time

right

now.

That's the pace

for now.

AND

there is good news.

Fewer migraines.

Down to one headache last week from three in previous weeks.

Much less pain medication.

Less painful adjustment this time.

My bum doesn't hurt as much.

It is getting better.

Backwards Steps

I toss around

writing about this

or

not.

Because I want to share

good things.

But, here I am.

To tell my little story of pain.

Because sometimes

it is just good to know 

you are not 

alone.

I "deal with" migraines.

I struggled my first two years of college.

I remember going to the U of Wyoming campus clinic in Laramie,

and the doctor asked me if I had a heavy load of classes.

I didn't think so.

He did.

His orders: 

take four ibuprofen 

every day regardless of how I felt.

Stay ahead of the pain. 

And don't take so many credits next semester.

For the past 10 years, I have noticed patterns.

Fluctuation in hormones: migraine.

Public presentation: migraine either right before, during or the day after.

Opportunity to share in art: migraine

Christmas Day: migraine

Treatments vary

and I do all of them:

ibuprofen

chiropractic care

essential oils

bio-freeze

cold

ice packs

prescribed pain killers

There have been seasons in which

my headaches

disappear for long stretches,

or show up,

with predictability,

one day a month.

But in the past few months

 they escalated to one, two

sometimes

three

a

week.

In fact if I look over the past six months,

almost every opportunity to share

goodness,

to share my artwork,

even to have my family

at our new home for Christmas,

a long awaited moment,

was

accompanied with pain

that I then medicated

in order to press through.

All very good moments.

Joyful things.

People I love.

Work that I enjoy.

Good things.

Coming true.

Accompanied with pain.

Followed by medication.

Rest.

And slow, hesitant returns to 

"the land of the living".

Three weeks ago,

I went back to my chiropractors

from five years ago.

My chiropractor ordered an x-ray.

Currently my sacrum (otherwise known as tailbone)

is tilted up and pointing backwards like a tail

instead of pointing down at the ground.

I could describe all the rest of it.

But I won't.

Simply put.

The adjustments are painful.

The day after is painful.

But hopefully,

I will find relief.

In the meantime,

my orders to 

"tuck my tail":

walk daily,

some of it

backwards.

Along

with other "tail tucking" exercises.

Physical therapy

will be added to

chiropractic treatment.

The hard part:

finding ways to manage my stress,

be with my family,

and 

to teach, create art, create videos,

work with photographs,

do the things I love

in a way that does not

aggravate the condition

 and 

bring on

more pain.

Honestly,

I am

discouraged.

I am frustrated.

That every good thing,

it seems every "yes"

to a great opportunity

brings

with it

physical pain

that steals my joy.

Certainly I battle

voices of condemnation

in my mind

accusing me of

phrases and words like

"collapsing under pressure"

"you can't cut it"

"choke artist"

"weakling, fragile, pitiful"

"you can't handle anything"

"other people have it worse, quit feeling sorry for yourself"

"suck it up".

Certainly, also,

I will make the best of it.

I love walking.

I seek ways to press on and press through.

Certainly,

I pray.

But

I struggle here too.

My faith for physical healing

is

almost none.

Honestly, I believe

that God would rather teach me something

through my pain

instead of outright

healing me of it.

Sometimes I ask,

but

 I ask without belief.

Really,

I don't know what to pray

about it anymore.

I ask for prayer.

People pray for me.

The pain comes.

The pain goes.

I still believe in Jesus.

I still trust Him.

I still have faith.

My pain and health are here.

My faith is there.

They seem to be in separate compartments of life.

I don't know if that is right or wrong.

Probably wrong.

But it just is like this right now.

I own it. 

I'm not going to pretend.

I've tried to push health and faith

 together and they seem to spring apart

like pillows pushed together

and then released.

Somehow,

I hope to find ways to work,

to say yes,

to experience life, 

without a guarantee

of physical pain

to accompany

what should be moments

of celebration and joy.

Right now

those moments that should be

most filled with celebration and joy

feel robbed

by pain.

That makes me angry.

I am tired of my joy being stolen.

I am tired of opportunities being painful.

I am tired of holidays with my family being painful

or lost in a fog of pain killers.

I want to enjoy life.

I hesitate to set goals now

because of fear it will

be so pain filled that I will fail

or I will work through it just to make it through

until I collapse in painful exhaustion on the other side,

or again fogginess reigns because of medication.

Maybe I say yes to too much.

Maybe I say yes to the wrong things.

Maybe I over work in my brain.

Maybe I have too much anxiety and not enough faith.

Maybe I just need to "chill out".

Maybe . . . . too much of this and not enough of that.

I just know that I am trying to let myself heal

 and find solutions 

and get better

all the while feeling like I am not 

doing enough,

earning enough, 

working hard enough.

I am trying to find peace of heart, mind and soul

while trying to get better.

Just keeping it real, my friends.

We all have stuff.

I know you do.

And I want you to know that I do too.

It is living life in this world.

I will find a way.

And you will too.

Always seeking 

beauty in the mess, 

the chaos, 

the pain,

the uncertain,

the confusing.

It is there.

It is here.

I know it is.

And I will keep seeking

God,

love,

beauty,

life.

I will.

So here I go, walking backwards,

and the cows watch me with

curiosity

and it makes me smile.

There, right there,

beauty.

Heart shaped stones and little bits of nature.

Beauty in the midst of it all.