Simple Real Memories

There were several years in my life

when I really lost the joy of the Christmas season.

It became a time laden with guilt and shame

about not being all that I thought I ought to be, should be, thought I wanted to be.

From the Christmas letter that seemed

to be mentally badgering me about unfulfilled dreams & goals

to self-imposed pressures of

perfection in career goals, balance as a wife and mom, holiday food, and financial success.

Christmas just seemed to tell me that I was coming up short in all these areas.

I put on a mask to hide all of this.  But it was very much a battle within me.

When deep down in my heart,

I just wanted simple, stay-at-home, memories.

Not the grand, impressive successes that taunted me.

But really, truely, I wanted simplicity.

Yet I feared that wanting the different dream,

meant I was giving up, "playing the family first card",

meant I was making excuses for not being where I had set goals to be.

I feared it might just mean that I was a quitter.

But, about five years ago,

I began to let go of the dreams I thought I ought to have and pursue

and embrace the true desires within me.

The truth is

I love things that I was afraid were

dorky, cheesy, nerdy, corny.

I'd rather be a home-body

and make peanut-butter-pinecone birdfeeders

with Time-life classic Christmas music in the background

than be the top-seller of anything for the Christmas season.

I love putting planning and effort into

these lives

in my messy little kitchen.

I love making memories here.

I love that I let go of guilt and pressure.

I love that I let go of shaming myself.

And I love that I had so much fun with my kids

that I have thanked each of them

over and over again

this week

for doing this little

project with me.

I love that we had so much fun.

I love that it was so easy.

I love that I made

a silly production of putting the first pinecone on the tree

to show them what we were doing.

I love that they embraced

my silliness

and did their own little dramatic

hanging of each pine cone.

Complete with chasing each other,

Erin doing the chicken dance

and skipping with her

while Tom took pictures.

Erin always skips. 

And do you know how hard it is to skip without smiling??

On this day,

I even loved the clutter of my kitchen

and that my apron made me look 20 pounds heavier than I think I am

{or maybe I really am 20 pounds heavier,

but the apron is a good excuse

--either way, I didn't and don't care}.

Because it just mattered

that I embraced the true me,

the true dreams,

the simplicity,

the imperfect beauty of my kids, myself, my place . . .

and made great memories.

Oddly, those years of lost joy,

seem to magnify my joy now.

So, I am grateful for those years too . . . for what they taught me for today.

Restored joy.

That's what it feels like.

I remember the year that the joy started to come back.

I watched It's A Wonderful Life for the first time.

I cried and cried and cried.  Not just a little.  But a LOT.

I saw myself COMPLETELY in that story.

That same year, the SAME THING happened

when I watched A Charlie Brown Christmas.

Charlie Brown cries out in his frustration,

 "Isn't there anyone who knows what Christmas is all about?"

And Linus says, "Sure, Charlie Brown, I can tell you what Christmas is all about.

And there were in the same country, shepherds abiding in the fields,

keeping watch over their flocks by night.

And, lo, the Angel of the Lord came upon them

and the glory of the Lord shone round about them

and they were sore afraid.

And the angel said unto them,

'Fear not, for behold, I bring you tidings

of great joy

which shall be to all people.

For unto you

is born this day

in the city of David,

a Savior,

which is Christ the Lord.

And this shall be a sign unto you,

ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes lying in a manger.'

And suddenly there was there with the angel

a multitude of heavenly hosts

praising God and saying,

'Glory to God in the highest and on earth,

peace, goodwill toward men.'

That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown."

I love, love, love that that's what Christmas is all about.

Christ the Lord.

Emmanuel.

God with us.

Totally rescued by Him

from my own thoughts

meeting my heart

through an old Christmas movie and cartoon.

And bringing me back

to simple joy with my kids.

Making these birdfeeders is one of my best Christmas memories yet.

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