Backwards Steps

I toss around

writing about this

or

not.

Because I want to share

good things.

But, here I am.

To tell my little story of pain.

Because sometimes

it is just good to know 

you are not 

alone.

I "deal with" migraines.

I struggled my first two years of college.

I remember going to the U of Wyoming campus clinic in Laramie,

and the doctor asked me if I had a heavy load of classes.

I didn't think so.

He did.

His orders: 

take four ibuprofen 

every day regardless of how I felt.

Stay ahead of the pain. 

And don't take so many credits next semester.

For the past 10 years, I have noticed patterns.

Fluctuation in hormones: migraine.

Public presentation: migraine either right before, during or the day after.

Opportunity to share in art: migraine

Christmas Day: migraine

Treatments vary

and I do all of them:

ibuprofen

chiropractic care

essential oils

bio-freeze

cold

ice packs

prescribed pain killers

There have been seasons in which

my headaches

disappear for long stretches,

or show up,

with predictability,

one day a month.

But in the past few months

 they escalated to one, two

sometimes

three

a

week.

In fact if I look over the past six months,

almost every opportunity to share

goodness,

to share my artwork,

even to have my family

at our new home for Christmas,

a long awaited moment,

was

accompanied with pain

that I then medicated

in order to press through.

All very good moments.

Joyful things.

People I love.

Work that I enjoy.

Good things.

Coming true.

Accompanied with pain.

Followed by medication.

Rest.

And slow, hesitant returns to 

"the land of the living".

Three weeks ago,

I went back to my chiropractors

from five years ago.

My chiropractor ordered an x-ray.

Currently my sacrum (otherwise known as tailbone)

is tilted up and pointing backwards like a tail

instead of pointing down at the ground.

I could describe all the rest of it.

But I won't.

Simply put.

The adjustments are painful.

The day after is painful.

But hopefully,

I will find relief.

In the meantime,

my orders to 

"tuck my tail":

walk daily,

some of it

backwards.

Along

with other "tail tucking" exercises.

Physical therapy

will be added to

chiropractic treatment.

The hard part:

finding ways to manage my stress,

be with my family,

and 

to teach, create art, create videos,

work with photographs,

do the things I love

in a way that does not

aggravate the condition

 and 

bring on

more pain.

Honestly,

I am

discouraged.

I am frustrated.

That every good thing,

it seems every "yes"

to a great opportunity

brings

with it

physical pain

that steals my joy.

Certainly I battle

voices of condemnation

in my mind

accusing me of

phrases and words like

"collapsing under pressure"

"you can't cut it"

"choke artist"

"weakling, fragile, pitiful"

"you can't handle anything"

"other people have it worse, quit feeling sorry for yourself"

"suck it up".

Certainly, also,

I will make the best of it.

I love walking.

I seek ways to press on and press through.

Certainly,

I pray.

But

I struggle here too.

My faith for physical healing

is

almost none.

Honestly, I believe

that God would rather teach me something

through my pain

instead of outright

healing me of it.

Sometimes I ask,

but

 I ask without belief.

Really,

I don't know what to pray

about it anymore.

I ask for prayer.

People pray for me.

The pain comes.

The pain goes.

I still believe in Jesus.

I still trust Him.

I still have faith.

My pain and health are here.

My faith is there.

They seem to be in separate compartments of life.

I don't know if that is right or wrong.

Probably wrong.

But it just is like this right now.

I own it. 

I'm not going to pretend.

I've tried to push health and faith

 together and they seem to spring apart

like pillows pushed together

and then released.

Somehow,

I hope to find ways to work,

to say yes,

to experience life, 

without a guarantee

of physical pain

to accompany

what should be moments

of celebration and joy.

Right now

those moments that should be

most filled with celebration and joy

feel robbed

by pain.

That makes me angry.

I am tired of my joy being stolen.

I am tired of opportunities being painful.

I am tired of holidays with my family being painful

or lost in a fog of pain killers.

I want to enjoy life.

I hesitate to set goals now

because of fear it will

be so pain filled that I will fail

or I will work through it just to make it through

until I collapse in painful exhaustion on the other side,

or again fogginess reigns because of medication.

Maybe I say yes to too much.

Maybe I say yes to the wrong things.

Maybe I over work in my brain.

Maybe I have too much anxiety and not enough faith.

Maybe I just need to "chill out".

Maybe . . . . too much of this and not enough of that.

I just know that I am trying to let myself heal

 and find solutions 

and get better

all the while feeling like I am not 

doing enough,

earning enough, 

working hard enough.

I am trying to find peace of heart, mind and soul

while trying to get better.

Just keeping it real, my friends.

We all have stuff.

I know you do.

And I want you to know that I do too.

It is living life in this world.

I will find a way.

And you will too.

Always seeking 

beauty in the mess, 

the chaos, 

the pain,

the uncertain,

the confusing.

It is there.

It is here.

I know it is.

And I will keep seeking

God,

love,

beauty,

life.

I will.

So here I go, walking backwards,

and the cows watch me with

curiosity

and it makes me smile.

There, right there,

beauty.

Heart shaped stones and little bits of nature.

Beauty in the midst of it all.