Backwards Progress

This is Part 2 of dealing with migraines.

Part 1 is here: Backwards Steps 

I'm walking.

I'm taking steps.

Forwards and backwards.

The backwards steps are to strengthen muscles

to hold my spine in place

in various places,

in particularly, my foundation... my bum

and to strengthen myself into better health.

Taking steps.

Literally.

Figuratively.

Physical steps.

Mental processes.

Prayer. Even imperfect, messy prayer.

Thoughts.

Actions.

Letting go steps.

Taking new ground steps.

Slowing down some things.

Accelerating others.

I am accepting.

Accepting that I do get migraines.

Accepting that they have robbed joyful moments.

Accepting the anger that has surfaced with that.

Accepting limitations.

Accepting possibilities too.

Accepting that more tea and less coffee is better for me.

Accepting that I cannot keep up a certain pace.

Accepting that a slower pace does not mean poorer quality, but could mean better.

Accepting that there are times for good enough instead of excellence.

Accepting that excellence can begin with taking care of the little things

like my health,

or accepting that my health is a big thing

and not a

little

thing.

I am accepting myself.

Fully.  Deeply. With love.

Taking time to walk

forwards

and

backwards

means less time for other things.

I am learning to accept that this is ok.

I am learning 

to be kind and gentle

instead of harsh and critical 

toward

myself

in my thoughts

and also

in the

goals

and time frames

I choose.

If I continue to do

what I have always done,

I will continue to receive

the same things.

I have to do some things differently.

Hopefully,

this will be a path

to being headache free,

or at least,

rarely having them.

I am learning to listen

again

for the voice of God.

Speaking to me of

unforced rhythms of grace,

rest for my soul,

keeping pace with Jesus,

working with Him,

recovering my life.

I am seeking help.

Chiropractic.

Physical therapy.

Unique techniques for emotions and pain.

Nutritional.

Prayer.

Writing.

Changing pace and attitude.

From the inside out.

Whole person help.

Not just one part.

I am learning

to nourish my 

body, mind, soul, spirit.

I am learning that

self-nourishment

is humbling and human

not prideful and selfish.

I am learning that when I do not

nourish my whole self

with

rest,

good foods,

water,

nutrition,

fresh air,

walking,

and

kind

expectations

toward

myself,

my body screams at me to

STOP

with pain.

It is that starvation of

self from good nourishment

that steals the joy from

precious moments.

That stealing is through things like

pressure for perfection,

doing everything alone,

expecting myself to have all the answers,

forgetting who I am in Christ,

eating junk,

not walking,

working hours on end in a chair,

thinking harsh, pressure laden,

frantic, anxious, critical thoughts.

I had a moment this week

when I had this vision pass through my mind

of Jesus

taking me by the shoulders,

looking me square in the eye,

with love and understanding, but firmness,

and saying,

"Just stop it. Stop doing this to yourself.

I am not expecting what you are expecting of you."

Matthew 11:28-30 came to mind as I walked this week.

The phrasing in The Message.

28-30 “Are you tired? Worn out? 

Burned out on religion? 

Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. 

I’ll show you how to take a real rest. 

Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. 

Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. 

I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. 

Keep company with me 

and 

you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

See,

 I'm learning that God's rules

are life giving

not

life stealing.

He is not the thief.

He is the one who came to give 

me

and you

abundant

life.

I am learning that

taking care

of my human self

with things

like

nutrition

and

rest

and His Word

and

His pace

are

the path

to abundant life.

He WILL show me the path of LIFE.

In His presence is FULLNESS of JOY.

At His right hand are PLEASURES FOREVERMORE.

from Psalm 16:11

(my caps and paraphrase there)

Somehow,

there is this lie

I believe sometimes

that

exercise, nutrition, and God's way

steals my happiness, my joy.

But I am discovering

that

even just walking, 

not a power workout,

and

a variety of good, nutritious, flavorful, simple food,

not complicated fancy recipes,

and

even just chewing on a few 

rich

pieces

of God's word,

just one small bite at a time

not engulfing the whole thing and theology at once,

are

paths of

abundant

joy

and

pleasure.

And I can do it

one gentle

step at a time

right

now.

That's the pace

for now.

AND

there is good news.

Fewer migraines.

Down to one headache last week from three in previous weeks.

Much less pain medication.

Less painful adjustment this time.

My bum doesn't hurt as much.

It is getting better.

One day she . . .

In the past week,

I've been thinking about

the

edges.

The boundaries

that I come up to and look over

and then retreat back away from.

Life is continuously filled with these edges.

Doorways.

Thresholds open for the crossing.

Thoughts and ideas and plans and dreams

that

I

come right up to

and then back away.

And wonder

will I ever cross over?

A couple thoughts occurred to me as I was making things

the other day

and

I started to type up some

"One day"

statements.

What if "one day" was today?

I do believe this will

become part of one large piece

I will make to remind myself

to decide

to believe

to trust

to press

to cross

to be all in

to risk

to really live.

Putting my work, my pictures, my words out there

has been one flying leap of faith

after another.

It still takes courage.

It still opens my eyes to new places to stretch my wings,

to new butterflies flying in my stomach,

to new horizons to journey toward

with no guarantees

but lots

of

possibilities.

Wednesday Nature Walk: Today's Color Palette

It's Wednesday.

I walked this morning.

So that I could share it with you.

Visit my other artist friends for their perspective:

STUDIO JRU, Cindy Fort at 12 Tribes, and Paulette Insall

This morning

the

color

palette

was

all

browns

grays

and

shades

of

white.

I have discovered the poet Mary Oliver.

And her words . . . 

about nature . . . 

He or she, who loves God, will look most deeply into His works. 

about a deer . . . 

But only that she was born into the poem that God made,

and called the world.

Her words seem to 

bathe my mind 

in beauty and grace . . . even 

in the color palette

of grief

of rest

of cold

of quiet.

The color of this morning

reminds me of something I wrote awhile ago in a hard season.

 Lately I have had 

grief

and new, deep, un-beautiful emotions.

It has permeated every fiber

of my life

and

I am slowly

walking through

it

with God

in unexpected ways.

Facing unexpected brokenness

un-reached hopes

causes me to look deeper into 

my soul,

my identity,

my beliefs,

my faith,

and

grasp

for something 

truer and stronger,

more real,

more solid

than

what I had

before.

Challenged to find faith

in times of

unanswered questions,

unresolved relationships,

unfulfilled hopes,

unachieved goals,

uncertainty,

letting go of 

making it all work out

and 

perhaps

I am finding more and more

what trust and faith

are all about...

clinging

to

God

in

the gray.

Giving Hope ~ Resources

For my community,
sharing some hope and some helps
for you.

Below are resources
to help your body, mind, and spirit
right here, right now.

Come back if you need to.
There are several links.

A friend, right in the thick of it all,
posted this truth as her status today,
""Though You have made me see troubles, 
many and bitter, 
You will restore my life again; 
from the depths of the earth You will again bring me up."
Psalm 71:20

Allow that truth
to sink down deep into the spirit...
into the marrow of the bones...
into every crevice of the mind...

You will restore my life again; 
from the depths of the earth You will again bring me up...

Meade County 4-H Leader, Tacy Langemeir,
has collected courage-giving notes from 4H clubs and leaders all over the country
Click this link here to be filled with support and hope by just reading a few:

Well Wishes For Ranch Families
Pour in From Across The Country

*

 Beth Moore has a message.

It is from 2011,

about going through life storms,

but it is even more relevant for those
enduring the aftermath of real, physical storms.
Watch her videos here.

Wrecked But Not Ruined Part 1

Wrecked But Not Ruined Part 2

Wrecked But Not Ruined Part 3

Wrecked But Not Ruined Part 4

Wrecked But Not Ruined Part 5

{Each segment of her teaching is about 15-20 minutes of the first part of the program,
although the entire program is 30 minutes. So, you could break it up over a few days.
Each message is good on it's own.  She brings it to a strengthening and confidence building close.}

*

The effects of this storm on our mental, emotional, physical health is very, very real.
Do pay attention to what is happening in your own body and mind,
as well as those that you love.
Below is a resource to help know
what is normal reaction, coping tips, and reactions to take seriously, especially as time goes by.

It is from the SDSU Extension Western SD Beef facebook page:


The SDSU Extension also has this great spot:
iGrow Blizzard Resources

And for those moved to give, 

the SD Stockgrowers, SD Cattlemen, and SD Sheepgrowers have established

a Rancher Relief Fund.

Below is one way that you can donate to it online.

You may also mail checks to 

Rancher Relief

PO Box 231

Rapid City, SD  57709

Donate to Rancher Relief Fund at Razoo

The Art of Spring . . . and of Easter

It began a couple weeks ago when I picked up 

my journal from 2004

to create an art journal

for

"The Art of Spring" class by Junelle Jacobsen.

I picked up the journal to make

cute, happy, new spring things.

To learn some new art skills

from the sweet spirited,

Jesus-smitten

Junelle Jacobsen

from her

"blessed barnyard."

I decided to use this old journal

...to paint over some pages...

and practice art.

But I have noticed it with other journals of mine that I have picked up...

or thrown away.

Things I have written in the past.

This is what I noticed:

Shame.

Contempt . . . a feeling of superiority even...

over

my

old

self.

Like I wanted to cover it up and not read it because I remembered

who I was and what I was struggling with at that time,

and not only did I not want to revisit it, but I felt embarrassed and ashamed of who I was 

at that time in my life.

I felt like I should have known better then.

AND,

I felt a bit of having "arrived" at a new "awareness" that was "better"

than the old me.

And I wanted to HIDE HER 

the 'old me' and the 'young girl' I used to be.

I even felt like despising her...

and the "her" was me.

I thought these thoughts of . . . 

I was so foolish to dream and hope for that.

I was so naive.

I was so immature to want that.

How humiliating.

I hope nobody reads this or sees it.

I am embarrassed about this.

I thought I was so ______, but I really was ________.

I can't believe I did that.

I can't believe I couldn't see through that.

How could I not have been strong enough to say "no" to that?

And right in the midst of these thoughts,

I heard this new thought,

Have compassion.

Love her right where she was.

Have compassion for yourself.

Love yourself

in that moment.

Have compassion for the journey you were on.

H. a. v. e.

c. o. m. p. a. s. s. i. o. n.

I have been painting cute, fluffy chicks

and this is what is going through my mind,

of all things!

Right there,

in my journal

it says to

Write down for the coming generations

what the LORD has done,

so that people not yet born will praise him.

Psalm 102:18

And as I type this, my fingers are shaking

because I am going to write this down and publicly share this

because someday I will look back on myself in this moment

and I can choose to chide her {me} for being naive and immature,

or I can choose to have compassion for who I am

at this moment of my journey.

And give her {me}

grace

for the journey.

This is what I realized and wrote this morning.

And I want to share it,

in hopes that it helps YOU.

I can choose to view myself in my past

as a little girl, 

as an 11-12-13-14-15 year old girl,

as a young, full of dreams, ready to conquer the world 20-something,

as a new and clueless wife and mom . . . 

with

contempt and shame

or

with compassion.

Compassion 

for a girl 

trying to find love and belonging and security

and falling flat, 

and searching in many wrong places,

on a journey.

Here is the thing:

if I view myself in the past with contempt, shame, humiliation, as a fool,

I will be arrogant thinking I have somehow "arrived".

I will have an air of superiority toward myself in the past . . . 

and I will also have it toward others.

And here is the other thing:

If I view myself in the past {way past and even moments ago}

with care and compassion, with love,

as a child made in the image of God - -

if I view myself in the past 

as if she were my own daughter Sydney or my own daughter Erin,

I will view other people that way too...

With value and love 

no matter what 

they were learning and growing and struggling with.

I would see them as worth helping, worth rescue, 

worth teaching and guiding with love and good intention.

If I see myself in the past, in my mistakes, and worst moments and wrong beliefs and foolish actions,

as a person with value on a journey 

of searching for love and belonging, acceptance, 

a place, safety, security, searching to find if I even had value,

then I will see others in their struggles

as a person with value,

stumbling along forward in their journey.

When I look back at who I was with compassion,

I see that I was and am still on a journey that God has redeemed and is redeeming

by creating things of deep, priceless value 

out of my worst moments and hardest seasons.

If I can see that about myself,

I can view others with care and compassion for their journey,

their life of working it out, searching it out.

I can see that they have value and honor right where they are,

as a child of God, created in the image of God,

as a person that Jesus thought was worth going to the cross for...

right at that time

of 

worst

moments

of

worst

season

of worst 

. . . sin.

When I was embarrassed about my old journals,

I noticed that I was despising who I was,

ashamed of my apparent foolishness,

and I was trying to remove who I am now,

from who I was then.

But if I try to completely remove my current self

from who I was,

I remove the compassion for the girl on the journey.

If I do not have compassion for my journey,

I will not have it for anyone else.

I become proud, arrogant, judging.

And yet, there is something in me like a buzzing mosquito that is trying to say,

"Well, you are just trying to let yourself off the hook for those wrong things you thought and did,

and if you let yourself off the hook, then you are letting others off the hook,

and then we've lost control

because people won't be accountable for their actions

and then we will be too soft-hearted . . .

and evil will prevail because you're not being hard enough on those law-breakers . . . 

and . . . 

and . . . 

But here is the Easter thing that I learned on

these pages of sketching whimsical cows

and cute fluffy chicks:

When I look at myself in those worst moments

and realize that God, that Jesus, saw those worst moments

and loved and valued who I was in those

foolish, shameful, humiliating, immature moments,

as worth dying for,

it gives value to myself and to other people.

Why have I not seen this before?

Is this completely obvious?

Because if feels huge to me this morning!

Like it feels as if I am seeing this source of pride and arrogance

that is so offensive

and I am seeing the source of it in me and the way I look at myself.

Here is what I also see that is 

amazing love, amazing grace, unfathomable, WONDERFUL:

In those moments,

that I wanted to cover up,

and hide and distance myself from,

I could have compassion for who I was then.

That is exactly what God the Father did and what Jesus did.

He saw me with love as valuable enough to do this:

God the father did the unthinkable.

He handed over his son.

Like me handing over my Tom or my Sydney or my Erin

to the worst perverted abusers and murderers

to be payment

for me . . . for my life.

Because my life was worth rescue.

The Father gave his child.

UNTHINKABLE

as a parent to give my child over

to anyone who would harm them.

Simply unthinkable.

Whose life would be worth that?

And then Jesus.

Gave Himself

to be humiliated, mocked, beaten and beaten and beaten,

spit on, clothes ripped off and strung up on nails,

and bleed out.

For the person I was in my worst moments,

that I was feeling like despising,

but that I can have compassion for instead.

See the value in me.

See the worth in others.

Love myself on the journey.

Love others on their journey.

See, we all have a story.

And there is always more to it than what appears.

A diamond covered in sewage is still a diamond.

It is worth getting out and cleaning up.

How much more is the life of a person

worth helping out and cleaning up and loving?

{Thank you Melody Ross for teaching me this here: 

Brave Girl Human Trafficking Manila Trip}

And if I can't see it for me,

I won't see it for others.

But if I can and do see it for me.

I can see it for other people too.

GRACE.

It's not about selfish, arrogant, all-about-me self-love.

It's about compassion and value and honor and grace.

And how God sees us.

Seeing ourselves and seeing others with love and precious honor and value,

in all the foolish and humiliating stuff.

All of that can be washed off by God.

We can accept it like a wrapped present.

Or reject it.

Or try to earn it.

It is my choice.

That is why He said that the greatest commandment

is to

Love God with all your heart, mind, soul, strength

and to love your neighbor as yourself.

We cannot do it until we see ourselves with compassion and value.

Then we see others with compassion and value...

worth dying for.

I am asking myself this question,

How do I see the love of God the Father and the Son and what the cross was really about?

Today my answer is that it was a brave, fueled by love, rescue mission disguised to many people in weakness but backed by more brute power and strength and intelligence and valor and honor

than all the military forces and weapons and strategies imaginable.

A rescue mission

for that little girl I was.

For that confused searching woman I was.

Searching for love, security, to prove my worth.

In wrong places.

In so many wrong ways.

I was taken off the hook,

by the One who went on the hook.

And it means everything.

And it changes everything.

How I see myself.

How I see others.

How I speak of and to myself and of and to others.

How I treat myself and how I treat others.

It comes from how He treats me because of how He sees me.

Things can get all messed up and ugly

when it comes to sharing faith in this world.

But this is so beautiful.

So wonderful.

So healing.

And when I finally see the truth of how God sees me,

I am absolutely amazed

and loved

and secure

and in awe

that

He 

gives what I have always searched for

even when I didn't know what I was searching for...

how can I not tell other people about this????

*

Linking up with

Soli Deo Gloria Sisterhood

here:

SDG