Even Among Unanswered Questions

Lately, I struggle

to create something

that feels authentic.

Today, this rings true:

The struggle visits often.

Actually, it's pretty common.  Rarely do I find instant inspiration.
Yet the fight to create looms large in recent months
whether it be words or art or photos.

So I make empty backgrounds.

Just showing up and creating something

and pouring out something

waiting for the words, the images, the ideas.

trying to get myself out of the way to serve the work . . . as Madeline L'Engle puts it.

She writes in Walking On Water: Reflections on Faith and Art

about how prayer and art involves a process of pouring out self so that one can listen.

So, I spend time in the pouring out process . . . 

and every now and then the still small voice begins to whisper . . . 

I feel this great pressure to put

answers

and

knowing

into my art.

And this year

appears to be

a year

of

unknowing.

I guess unknowing is the most authentic thing currently.

My family: healthy goodness.

My marriage: solid, faithful, love.

My kids: more than I could hope for.

People

struggle

with far deeper

hurt

and

questions

than I.

But even so.

I lost my writing voice.

It eludes me.

Or I can't find an authentic public voice.

I write privately...too much is personal.

And so, for now, much of my writing

stays private

serving its purpose there.

But my soul aches to share.
I know others experience it too.

This year

I continually walk through questions

about relationships,

about my faith,

about how to live and walk and share that faith

personally, and with those I love.

I am walking through questions

about dreams that I have had

hopes that have gone unfulfilled

ambitions that never quite seem to be grasped,

about where to apply the interests and passions that I have.

Do I keep doing what I am doing?

Do I make changes to my business?

Do I really have a business or just a glorified hobby?

Is that ok?

Do I do something totally different?

Do I renew my teaching certificate?

Do I try to become a licensed professional at something?

Will that really open doors for me?

The doors that I want to go through? 

Or just think I should go through

so people think I am "doing the right thing"?

I question

when to hang on

and 

when to let go.

I question

about control 

and finding joy

 and avoiding pain

and avoiding conflict

and avoiding rejection

perhaps at the expense

of who I am ... maybe ?  ?  ?

I question about how to help those I love.

I question about transition as parents.

I question about the future.

Life is a huge question mark isn't it?
I think it's time to get comfortable with the question.
Welcome it.
Acknowledge it.
Ask it.

I have sought security much of my life in knowing.

Knowing the answers.

Knowing the right thing.

Then doing the right thing.

Even, I specifically remember as a child in elementary school,

doing better than the right thing

if that was possible.

I have thought

 that if I know and do the right thing

that everything will be ok.

That if I know and do the right thing

everybody in my life will be happy.

That somehow there is a formula to know and do

that will fix things.

Fix relationships, finances, insecurity.

I have tried to know right, do right, be right, prove that I am right, appear to be right.

I have valued and sought security in understanding.

This has been a year

 of unknowing,
not understanding,
uncertainty.

My chest wrings with an ache 

that stays more often than leaves.

A painful peeling-away tears deep within me

of the things in which I have sought safety and security.

That peeling away frees me though.  It is good.

Because all of my grasping to know right and do right and appear right

speaks of my own form of self-sufficiency, self-reliance, 

independence of . . . need for anyone but my own abilities . . . 

including . . . God.

It speaks of my need for Him and there I find peace in the questions.
Not in people's answers, not in my own answers,
but in His vast knowing and understanding
that is beyond my own.
Some how, I can trust that.

Even though

all of this is happening . . . 

Even though

I do things that are different than I used to do . . .

Even though

I may not do what others think is right . . .

Even though

I don't always have an answer . . . 

Even though

I am not ready for some things . . . 

Even here.

Even now.

God is still whispering

to

me.

Even in all the questions.

I am finding Him.